This is going to be the hardest post I have ever written because it tells of something that happened to me when I was 16 years old. And I said no.
This is going to be the hardest post I have ever written because it tells of something that happened to me when I was 16 years old. And I said no.
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It’s something that I have been able to keep in the back of my mind until May 2019 when after thirty years of living in the Town following my MS diagnosis I was lucky to be offered an adapted bungalow in the village I grew up in.
I was on the local housing list for an adapted property when a bungalow came up for me to look at it in the Town; it wasn’t suitable, but they were prepared to make any necessary changes.
Going to look at it just from the outside I immediately knew it was somewhere I didn’t want to live, it broke my heart that it had come to this knowing that this was probably going to be my final move and I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life there.
I had also applied to to the local area where I grew up, which is a different Council, but because my mum still lives there, I could get on their housing list.
As I was going through the stages with the bungalow in the Town I was waiting for occupational health to visit and see what changes they could make, I was fortunate to be offered a bungalow around the corner from my mum.
It was only one bedroomed and I couldn’t imagine trying to get a 3 bed terraced house in a one bedroom bungalow but the moment I walked in I knew I was going to try.
I accepted it that day and moved in soon afterwards to an amazing little community, one my new neighbours helped me out so much with anything that needed putting together, he built a gate so Mowgs couldn’t get out and I quickly felt part of it.
My worst nightmare
What I didn’t reckon on was my amazing little community with its own hall where they held regular bingo and race nights and everybody had a party for their birthday whoever you were and no matter how old would bring back into my life the person who turned my life upside down at 16 years old.
Very few people knew what happened to me and it was only in the last relationship that I actually shared it out loud and that was only because we bumped into him and I froze, so I had to tell him why.
I said no!
So what happened to me at 16 years old? At 16 years old I was groomed by what I now know to be a rapist who I thought was a family friend, and I often went back to his house after we had been in the pub to carry on drinking.
This had gone on for months with no sign that anything other than an after pub drink was happening. This guy was old enough to be my dad after all.
A don’t deny I had had a drink but when he pounced on me and tried to kiss me I pushed him away from me, I distinctively remember pushing him away as I tried to get up he got hold of my hand and dragged me upstairs where he threw me on the bed and forced himself inside me.
He was on top of me and I couldn’t fight him off, all I could do was scream no and keep telling him to get off me.
He was on top of me and I couldn’t fight him off, all I could do was scream no and keep telling him to get off me.
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He eventually rolled off and with tears streaming down my face, I pulled my jeans up and ran downstairs and out of the door.
I didn’t tell a soul even though I knew deep down it was wrong and when I saw him the next day; he said if I told anybody he would deny it. I knew even then I wouldn’t tell anyone because deep down I blamed myself for being there.
It’s strange even while writing this I can still remember every little detail and every time I see him I remember it all over again.
Invading my space
Why has this come to the fore you might ask, well within a week of moving in he was in the car park picking up a neighbour and seeing him brought the whole thing back?
I just couldn’t believe this was happening I’ve found an amazing little community, I was around the corner from mum and then there he was, this just wasn’t fair, this shouldn’t be happening. I didn’t want to face him ever again.
So what did I do? I shut myself away and every time there was a do I didn’t go and the neighbours probably just thought I was standoffish because every time they invited me I didn’t turn up.
I was furious this was hopefully going to be my last move and my thoughts were already turning to me asking for a transfer, but I loved my little bungalow it was perfect for me and Mowgs so I would not give up that easily.
Therapy
When I attended my MS nurse appointment in July last year she was asking me how things were getting on with the move and if I was settling in and I burst into tears saying it was perfect and before I knew it I was blurting out the whole sorry mess to her.
She immediately suggested a referral for therapy as she felt I needed to get it all out in order for me to stay living where I was.
I was very lucky because I actually got an appointment the following week with an amazing counsellor who broke it all down for me by explaining to me that what he had done to me was groom me by inviting me back, forcefully when I think about it, so that eventually when he pounced on me I would have been asking for it in his eyes.
The counsellor helped me to understand it wasn’t my fault and that unless I was planning on now reporting him; I had to learn to let go of it.
I was just getting to where I thought I might face him when I bumped into him and froze. His wife was pushing me at him because all she saw was that he was someone I used to know.
As my therapy Sessions ended, I actually requested more because I still didn’t feel that I had unpacked my emotions enough to move on and not let him rule my life.
I couldn’t be around him, I wanted nothing to do with him; I didn’t want to be pushed towards him being told by her look who it is; I didn’t think I could cope with him being near me and I was very nervous at some point if she pushed hard enough I would just blurt it out.
This man took away my self-worth at an age when I didn’t know different, he set me up to fail in every relationship I entered throughout my life because of him I believed men could do what they wanted and I didn’t have a right to refuse. I had to find a way through it.
Lockdown
And just as I was about to start my next sessions with my counsellor, lockdown happened.
Since we’ve been in lockdown, we have spent a lot of time with each other as a community, socially distanced, but we are fortunate to have a grassed area between the bungalows which has meant when the weather has been good we could sit out.
We have looked after each other and other than Mum; they are the only people I saw for 5 months.
One night while the ladies were all drinking together, the honesty chats started, and they asked me why I hadn’t mixed with them before. They used to have a regular ladies’ night on a Thursday pre lockdown. One of them even said she didn’t really like me when I first moved in.
Anyone who knows me knows that’s not me and that all I wanted to do was to mix with everybody but he made that impossible for me and the last thing I wanted was for them to think I thought I was better than them.
With the wine flowing, I told them why I haven’t spent time with them much prior to lockdown. The first words I heard after I had shared the reason with them was “I believe you”.
I believe you
Being believed is one of the most validating things that can happen for a survivor.
I went through hell and I buried it for so many years so to hear someone say to you they believe you really helped me to realise what happened was wrong and it was not my fault and at last; I was unpacking it all.
Since we can’t use the community hall at the moment, there isn’t much chance of him being around, but to hear those words and to know that our community will protect me from him, he can’t hurt me anymore.
Taking back the power
Since I told my story I have found out I wasn’t the only one and I believe there are a few more out there.
We as women really have to take back the power from men who think they can treat women with so much disrespect when they grab of boobs or bums and offering sexual favours they need to know it’s not acceptable.
No one person may ever make anyone feel uncomfortable, and if they are making them feel uncomfortable, they need to stop what they are doing.
Sadly, it is a certain generation who were brought up to believe they are superior to women and we are here to please them.
However, just because it’s the way they did, it does not mean they shouldn’t have their own moral compass to change it.
My biggest regret
Ironically, my biggest regret is that I didn’t tell my dad because unbeknown to me they didn’t get on when all along I thought they did.
It took me a long time to discuss it with Mum fully but when I did; she said it was a good job I didn’t tell my dad because he hated him. Funny how they hide these things from their children.
What makes me sad though is it has taken this long for me to realise he was totally and utterly in the wrong and when I said no, no meant no, there is no black or white with the word no, there is no going back from it.
What I have learnt
If I found myself in the situation now I know I would react so much different, but as I was growing up rape was taboo, your parents would never say to you if someone forces you to do something you don’t want to do, someone goes against you saying no it’s rape, whether you get jumped in the street, with a friend who decides they want more, or with your partner/husband if you say no, no means no and anything beyond that is rape.
I should have maybe have gone to the police, but the police was a local bobby who was friends with Mum and Dad and in all honesty, he made me blame myself for many years.
Maybe I could now, but then I am not sure my MS would cope with the stress it would inevitably cause me.
When mum got rushed into hospital at Christmas last year, it brought on an MS relapse that I still haven’t come back from fully. So protecting me, I know I don’t have the strength to put myself through it.
And with the level of rape allegations that actually go through to prosecution, I fear because I went in willingly to his home over 30 years ago they would throw it out at the first hurdle.
Rape is still very difficult to prove as it will be your word against theirs especially when you went willingly with the rapist, even if there is DNA evidence if your rapist denies it they will have their defence rip you to shreds and you will lose all credibility with the jury.
So, for now, I will just be eternally grateful for the amazing support network I have around me who I know will support me if I need them too.
End violence against women
Police and courts are not providing justice after sexual violence. Women’s human rights to safety and justice are being denied.
End Violence Against Women and members are campaigning for a fair justice system and better support for survivors.
Landmark decision at Court of Appeal overturns High Court refusal of examination of CPS rape prosecution policy and practice – women’s groups delighted.
Comes on same day latest CPS rape figures confirm prosecutions collapsing.
The outcome of the Government’s Rape Review along with the overhaul of the CPS can’t come soon enough.
Finally
Rach!xx
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