June 2020 - Wheelie MS Advocate

What can tip you over the edge? Interesting question it can be a look, it can be a word, it can be a song lyric but this time it was watching Grey’s Anatomy.

I have watched every episode of Grey’s Anatomy and last week’s episode saw the well-known character Alex leave the world of Grey’s Anatomy his wife and his friends his work colleagues without so much as a buy or leave.

Yes, I'm aware it's a television programme however what Alex did, brought back #Memories I would rather stay #Buried. Share on X

Yes, I’m aware it’s a television programme however what Alex did, brought back memories I would rather stay buried.

Just drifting away for a moment, the lockdown has brought quite a few skeletons out of the closet for want of a better expression, for anyone who follows me on Instagram you will have seen last weekend that I made a confession about something that happened to me when I was 16 I will go into this in more detail in a further post but in all honesty, I’m not ready to do that just yet.

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Alex and Izzie

Back to Alex and Grey’s Anatomy, the backstory to Alex for anyone who doesn’t watch Grey’s Anatomy is he was married to Izzie, Izzie then contracted cancer and was very poorly she eventually recovered and left Alex.

Alex then met Jo who he later married, a few of weeks ago Alex rallied a number of new and old colleagues to support Meredith who was in trouble.

Three weeks ago the episode ended with Jo saying Alex had left her, but there was no substance around that until the next episode when Alex had a written a number of letters to Jo, Meredith and Miranda his boss.

The first letter that was read out was by Meredith and it went over the amazing times they had and the amazing friendship that they built up over the years with both good and bad memories but what became clear from the first letter was when Alex was rallying around to support Meredith he had contacted Izzie and not long into the conversation it became apparent when Izzie had cancer she had harvested her eggs.

As a result, Izzie had since had twins and was now separated from her husband, while Alex was chatting to Izzie he could hear the noise of children in the background and after a long discussion with Izzie about the children, Izzie informed Alex that the children were in fact his.

Alex, in turn, decided to go and visit Izzie and the children and what happened next was he walked away from his life with Jo and chose to stay with Izzie and children.

In his letter to Jo, he stated he still #Loves her and he didn't want to #Hurt her but he didn't know how else to do what he felt was right for him. Share on X

In his letter to Jo, he stated he still loves her and he didn’t want to hurt her but he didn’t know how else to do what he felt was right for him.

How this resonates

Why has this resonated with me so much when somebody tells you they love you and they don’t want to hurt you they invariably do.

In 2015 I was travelling on a train to Oldham for a two-day training course when my then partner rang me as he always did before he went to work.

While on the call we got disconnected as my train went through a tunnel when I reached my destination I tried to ring him back but I knew by then he would have been at work, so I waited and I waited for him to get chance to ring me back and I still heard nothing.

This was really strange and I was beginning to think something had happened to him, in all the time I had known him we had never gone a day without speaking and now my messages remained unanswered, texts and Facebook messenger, it was almost liked he had dropped off the earth.

At the end of the second day as I was leaving to catch my train I sent him a text message to say that I was on my way home and within seconds received a message back saying “don’t contact me again it’s over I’ve blocked you on Facebook and I won’t answer your calls.”

I travelled home in a daze with no idea what was going on, I was devastated and numb what had I done wrong?

That look

A few weeks earlier I had asked him about someone who he worked with that he had been fooling around with and taking selfies which he shared on Facebook.

My comment at the time was she was looking at him like I looked him and I felt physically sick, he told me I was seeing things, and when he rang a week later to say she had tried to kiss him he told me he had pushed her away.

So it came as a massive surprise to me to find out that he had moved in with her via a mutual friend. it then took him three weeks to contact me and when he did he asked me if I was ok.

How do you even answer that question when you have been #Ghosted for three weeks and you feel like you're world has collapsed Share on X

How do you even answer that question when you have been ghosted for three weeks and you feel like you’re world has collapsed, during this conversation he proceeded to tell me he didn’t love me, he never loved me and she made him feel like he had never felt before.

Imagine that being told how amazing your replacement is why oh why did you have to do that? Walk away, but don’t ever tell someone that, it was cruel, it was unnecessary and I now believe that it was said because he was trying to convince himself he had made the right decision.

So why did Izzie and Alex remind me so much of this situation I will tell you why because in five years since we split up I have lost count of how many times he has rung me to tell me he still loves me, remember three weeks after he left and he’d never loved me but he just likes to keep me on a string edge by every so often ringing me to tell I am the only one who ever understood him and that he will always love me.

Coercive Control

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I have since realised that while I was in that relationship it was a coercive relationship it had all the signs it started with love bombing when he told me he loved me after three weeks and I couldn’t quite believe how lucky I was.

I've always had my own #Friends and I've always had my own #Interests but it became very clear that he didn't like me doing anything that#DidntInvolveHim. #CoerciveControl Share on X

That was until I wanted to do things on my own away from him I have always been a very independent person I’ve always had my own friends and I’ve always had my own interests but it became very clear that he didn’t like me doing anything that didn’t involve him.

In the first few weeks one of my friends got married and he was working away, he wanted me to go with him instead of going to my friend’s wedding, which I refused, but that didn’t stop me spending most of the day and evening on the phone, he was even messaging me when the wedding was happening.

I have lost count how many times I went somewhere on my own or with friends and he pleaded with me not to go, holidays, parties, nights out, and rugby matches and the photographs of his miserable face because I wasn’t with him.

A five day holiday ruined by him putting obtuse statuses on Facebook, he wanted to end it before I went on that holiday because he thought I would sleep with somebody else and he couldn’t cope with it.

Eventually, I just started to make excuses and didn’t go anywhere without him because it wasn’t worth the grief I would get.

My friends were amazingly patient with me in those days but I can now see how bad it looked to be on holiday and constantly having my phone in my hand.

I stopped having #Photos taken when I was with friends because I knew what the response would be. #CoerciveControl Share on X

I stopped having photos taken when I was with friends because I knew what the response would be, whenever I tried to say that there was only him and there was no way I would cheat on him he just didn’t trust me.

He accused me of speaking to him like one of my underlings at work and anybody who has worked with me and for me knows I don’t treat anybody like that.

He made me feel every time it was my #Fault and I would often end up #Apologising for something I hadn't done just to keep the #Peace #CoerciveControl Share on X

He made me feel every time it was my fault and I would often end up apologising for something I hadn’t done just to keep the peace, he did all the classics under the sun, he would get angry and scream at me, he would drink and then say it was my fault for making him drink and then the final straw would be the crying and apologies the next day.

He would tell me I couldn’t live without him and I would be lonely on my own.

Watching the letters being read out on Grey’s Anatomy it brought back one of the most heartbreaking times in my life which at the time I thought was because he had left me but it was more so because it brought home to me just how someone who said he loved me could treat me.

It's taken a number of years for me to see this for what it was and realise the reason I was #Grieving for him and our relationship was because of the #Control he held over me and now I can see he treated everyone the same, nothing was… Share on X

It’s taken a number of years for me to see this for what it was and realise the reason I was grieving for him and our relationship was because of the control he held over me and now I can see he treated everyone the same, nothing was ever his fault!

The mad part all of this which is seems absolutely ridiculous is the times we spent together were some of the best days of my life, yet when we were apart he just tried to continually destroy me and make me feel guilty for living and doing anything that didn’t involve him.

Alex, was no different because he doesn’t love Jo, because if he did he wouldn’t have walked walk away from her.

This post has been very triggering to write and I wholeheartedly want to apologise to my friends who supported me while telling me what was happening was wrong.

I have spent too long feeling like I did something wrong, that I wasn’t enough for him, I now realise nobody ever will be.

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